Letting It Happen

The hardest subject I ever tried to master was physics. I could not master this subject. It always was beyond me. I understand motion and the theory of relativity intellectually but when it comes down to figuring the mathematics of a problem I was conceptually impaired. I don't know why this was so. I understood and did well in Calculus up to a point but somehow figuring out all of those vectors in Physics made my brain turn to mush. Perhaps I would do better today but I am unwilling and do not have the interest to try and figure this subject out. I seem to have come across another subject in which I am having this conceptual difficulty, however, this subject is one that I still feel to need to comprehend even if this comprehension means abandoning everything I know about it in order to make some headway philosophically. This subject is the way things work. I have studied this endlessly going around in circles in inside trying to make things happen in order to prove the theories I was discovering. I find that now I have been going about it the wrong way all of these years. I began to feel frustrated about this but realized that even my frustration was a part of the problem I have been continuing to run up against. I theorized that thoughts can make things happen and even witnessed thoughts and then the things happening. Sometimes these were random occurences and other times directed circumstances that came true so fast it made my head spin. I could not duplicate my results in an orderly manner. Still I found that I was subject to the vagaries of chance in terms of what happens in between what I am thinking and what I am seeing. As with many who have come to this same fork in the road I thought that I was powerless against such an Infinite problem and that who would blame me if I just stopped trying to figure this out and pursued anything else. This was tough because even though the realization comes to me that I cannot directly influence anything by active thinking I still want to know how everything works including that part of me that keeps looking for these seemingly impossible answers. What could I do? How could I continue under such restraints? Luckily the answer came through. I was to give up trying to make things happen with my thinking and then let go of the frustration I was constantly experiencing which added further to the confusion that would take place within. The key was to allow things to happen. Get out of the way. Let the lifeforce operate unhindered to do what was wonderful and magnificent in the moment. It wasn't my responsibility anymore. I did not have to worry about making the world or carrying the world on my shoulders. All I had to do was to do what I thought was right in the moment. Consequences would develop or not from the way I was thinking but not necessarily what I was thinking. I had to let go of the consequences. They were driving me crazy and after all causing me to browbeat my own ignorance believing that if only I tried harder I could indeed think a thought and make a thing appear. What was or is missing here? It should be obvious to most and on some level I did realize this but stubbornly refused to acknowledge the presence of that power that runs through me. It is as if I said "I don't want to bother you I can do this myself."